Wherever you are, that's where I'll call home...

Joni Mitchell, Hejira

This weather has got me down.

This weekend's agenda, tada!

Friday night: Drive to Canadaiga, find some fabulous place to eat. Spend the rest of the night watching movies on my small computer and curling up together on a twin bed.

Saturday: Take a run together around campus, take the drive down to Watkins Glen, sushi picnic at the state park there. Drive back to Manlius. Stop on the way for a drive-in movie of Woodstock or go to the little theater near her apartment. She's making me Indian food for dinner, get to see Artie, our kitten, again. Spend the night laughing, playing games, finding old movies to make out to.

Sunday: Wake up before her, make her coffee, breakfast. Spend the morning in bed. Get going around noon, drive back to my school, get coffee, sit by the lake and say our goodbyes.

!

Survey stolen from onomatopoem because it's late and I'm bored.

If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?
Buhalis. Thank god she texted right after my mother did. That would just be disgusting.

Were you happy when you woke up this morning?
no, I was quite miserable, thank you very much.

When were you on the phone last? And with whom?
4 hours ago. my girlfriend.

Have you talked to a complete jerk today?
not a complete one, no. But a partial one, why yes, many.

What's a fact about the last person who text messaged you?
she's greek.

Want someone back in your life?
not anymore, thank god I'm finally over that crazy bitch.

What are you excited for?
being truly proud of myself again.

What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
chocolate chip teddy grahms.

Are you scared to fall in love?
I am in love. And yes, it is scary.

Is there something you want to tell someone?
yes... I'd like to tell my mother a whole lot of things right now.

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
My girlfriend.

Is it easy to make you cry?
not anymore.

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
yes, but I prefer to see it on my girl.

When is your next road trip?
back home in 2 weeks.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
no. Is that sad? My best guy friend I can tell about 50% to. That is sad.

Whats your 3rd text say?
"Thinking of u. How'd your first day go?" From my mother, who just learned to text 2 days ago.

Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone?
Yes, a long time ago.

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
yes. every day.

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
yep. And peed, too.

What time did you wake up this morning?
7:31

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
I'm sure.

Do you like to cuddle?
it's probably my 3rd favorite past-time.

What do you hear?
my fellow counselors trying to trap a mouse.

Liked someone older than you?
hahahahahhhhahhahaahhahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahhaha. ha. ha.

Any apologies from anyone recently?
yeah, I think.

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
oh god no.

Can you make a dollar in change right now?
yepppp.

What are you good at in school?
things in the humanities department.

Have you ever kissed more than one person in 24 hours?
no, actually. I'm frugal with my kisses.

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
fruit punch.

When is the last time you cried?
last night :(

Last person you drove with in a car?
does a gulf car count?

What did you last buy?
light cream cheese and bananas.

Do you like Chinese food?
jah.

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
all the time.

What are you wearing on your feet?
burks.

When was the last time you were told you were cute?
3 days ago.

Did you have a good day yesterday?
no it was awful.

What color shirt are you wearing?
orange.

Have you ever crawled through a window?
yes.

Will this weekend be a good one?
no.

Who hugged you last?
my friend KAO. Awesome crazy hippy chick.

Is there one place you'd like to visit?
Greece.

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to?
two, always and forever.

What is something you disliked about your day?
my mother.

How much cash do you have on you?
$70 from the camp.

If you could say something to someone without saying a name?
back the fuck off.

What's your current desktop picture?
Baxter state park. look it up. It's amazing.

Besides this what are you doing?
On the late shift making sure my camp kids don't get up in the middle of the night and make babies.

Are you easy to get along with?
i thought so...

When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking?
2.5 years ago.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
yes. and no.

Most memorable thing that happened to you last summer?
N/A.

I would like to know what is so un-wholesome about being gay. Got a lovely phone call from my mother this morning, telling me to be discreet in the upcoming weeks and to make sure to tell my girlfriend that she should respect my boundaries during my internship, and that I had a responsibility to be wholesome and not bring my sexuality into the spotlight around other people. Seriously. What the fuck. I'm doing an internship in which I basically babysit high school seniors. I'm responsible enough to know not to make out with my girlfriend in front of them, but aside from that, I don't think I should have to be shoved back into the closet. I'm discreet enough as it is. I don't flaunt being gay, I bring it up only when I'm asked (I don't hide it either, I just don't want it being the only thing people see me as.) But just the fact that she still, after all this time, thinks it is something to be ashamed of... fuck. I don't know if she'll ever really get it.

I got upset and she told me to stop being so sensitive, that she hadn't said anything horrible and that it was my fault for not telling her upfront what my intentions were about whether or not to come out to my co-workers or not. gahhhhhhhh.

So today was a bit unfortunate...
Again realized (with much more clarity) that I am THE worst one here...Did a 1minute erg piece to measure watts aka how much energy you can produce with about 40 strokes... which I have never, ever done before. And of course, because I tried to pull so fast/hard without much skill, I fell off my erg. That's right. I fell off. And ruined my test. Which they let me do over, and I got the lowest score, partly because I was afraid of falling off again and went slower, and partly because I am just not that gifted. Tant pis.

Oh also, went out in a double (2 people with 2 oars each skulling, while I usually am in an 8 person boat with only one oar to manage) and made a complete fool of myself in front of the head coach, oh, 1 or 2 or 400 times. Nearly flipped us over, a lot. but didn't, hurrah!

I get to have dinner with D tomorrow night, my teammate Whitney Wednesday, my coaches will be coming up soon, and I leave Saturday. I miss every part of my life that doesn't involve rowing right now.

Day 1: Check in time: 2 PM. See 16 over 6 foot girls (mostly 6'2" - 6'4") and check in quickly, then run away with D for three hours (we didn't have anything scheduled until 6 tonight.) Get to know girls. Realize I am one of the worst here. Hands down. Am terrified/thrilled/intimidated out of my fucking mind. Realize there is no fucking way I will ever be close to qualifying for the 23 years old and under national team, let alone National team, let alone Olympic team ever (obviously.) Feel extremely relieved for this reason. First practice (out of three every day) is 8 AM tomorrow, followed by a 1 PM and then a 4 PM practice. With testing in the afternoon session. Will keep you posted on my slow (or perhaps fast) death by rowing/shear fear.

In much, much happier news, D and I are back on track doing amazingly well. I spent the weekend with her before camp, and we had a fabulous time. God I miss her so much some times. I got in late Friday night after a 12 hour train ride, she had Indian food waiting for me (that she cooked.) We caught up on some L word. Saturday we went to Greek fest, followed by dinner at her (and now my) friends house (another gay couple) where I kicked some ass in Apples to Apples. Followed by a lazy Sunday morning with coffee in bed until 10, and a trip to see Buttermilk falls in Ithaca and hike around/sit by the water and teach my woman how to skip stones. Then I started getting nervous, which has not subsided but merely built and built. Sleep now.

Oh and I got a new dog, huzzah!

Maine just legalized gay marriage. I am just... astonished right now. I thought it would take at least another year or two. There's a good chance it will go to state majority vote in November, but I think we stand a good chance. And if not, we'll come back again and again at them. I love my state.

I'm just finishing up my fifteen-pager for Environmental Ethics (Philosophy 154) that I have been working on since forever. It's titled, "Everything I ever really needed to know about Environmental Ethics I learned from the Lion King." The sad thing is that it's true. What the fuck have I been doing in class for the past semester, I should have just re-watched my favorite Disney movie.

Yesterday was amazing...the sun was shining, it was peace fest at our school, I tie-died, got "most original" in a solar oven cook-off, visited a bee-farm, ate a local, organic lunch, had dinner with my friend's family, and won a raffle of a sweatshirt, organic foods, and a plant. Best day I've had in a long time, the only thing missing was my girl.

Had a good group session recently, it'll be sad not to have that over the summer. My mother asked me recently if other people my age thought my relationship was normal... and even though I try so hard not to let what she says in, it hurts. So I brought that up in group, and they were incredibly supportive and honest with me, which is what I needed. I know it's not an average relationship... but there are aspects of all relationships that make them not normal. Her phrasing it that way made me start questioning again, and I had to really sit myself down and remind myself of why I fight so hard for this... IT MAKES ME FUCKING HAPPY. I'm in a healthy relationship. I'm supported, loved, treated with RESPECT. It's not the kind of relationship I've had before, and it's not the kind I am about to give up just because the rest of the world doesn't acknowledge it as "normal." I say fuck normal.

It makes me boiling mad that they support my sister's relationship with a guy of 5 months or so who treats her like shit and makes her cry to me over the phone about him, and they still can't completely back me in my relationship of a year and a half with someone who has NEVER made me cry myself to sleep, who makes me a better person, and who tries so hard to gain their approval. Maybe they'll come around, but I'm not going to wait for them to do that. I'm done feeling ashamed.

I'm doing a paper on age differences between straight and gay couples and how that is seen by the rest of the world. Maybe I'll share it with them.

Other than that, finals are fucking killing me right now, I have so many papers and Girl Talk is tonight and I cannot NOT go... sigh... And I just found out that I cant go to my Uncle's wedding (he is the only one in the family who knows I am out. He is amazing, he even said I should bring D to the wedding.) Too many things happening at once...

Got these back today, better times:

It's been an interesting week...haven't posted in a while, a lot has been happening.
First, I'll start with crew. I had a bad low last week when my 2k testing on the erg went south. I broke down from the stress of it all and just bawled afterwards (something I never, ever do. Especially in front of others. It was mortifying.) After being in Maine with D and my whole family for Easter, it was a big transition to come back to NY for the final stretch of the year. The good news? I got into the national rowing camp for freshmen this summer. It's a huge honor to be selected to go to this, I really can't wait.

My thoughts on rowing have changed dramatically during this past weekend. I'm more able to find the beauty in the pain, letting myself get filled with butterflies, and putting it all on the line for the race. We race every weekend now, from Friday-Sunday, until school lets out in early May. There is a *chance* I might be selected to move up to varsity for a few of the last races, but I'm not letting myself get carried away just yet.

School is hard. Work is piling up as I spend most of my time with my team. I need to FOCUS like I do in my races and use that to pull me through this hard spell. I can't let myself slip behind too much, especially after all the work I put in earlier this year.

D left for Arkansas yesterday. It'll be 6 weeks until we see each other again, the longest stretch we've been apart since we met. Neither of us is worried though. Our foundation is stronger than ever these days, we are beginning to talk about our future more realistically now. We have a ways to go, I know, but it's becoming more and more clear that we are just meant to be together.

I talked with Pete last night, and didn't allow myself to get too upset. He was complaining about how we will miss each other by a matter of days this summer, and he wanted me to change my plans so I could meet his girlfriend. (Pete was my first/only boyfriend, then we both came out together, then this year he went back in the closet/turned straight and has a girlfriend.) It still blows my mind everything that we have been through together. I finally said what was on my mind, in a clear direct voice; that I would not change my plans for him to suit his relationship when he would never do the same thing for me. He laughed, told me I was right, and we moved on. I won't/can't/am resilient to forget what he said to me at Christmas, how he needed less of a relationship with me. I'm giving him less of one right now, and realized I really don't care whether or not I see him at all any time soon. He's meant a lot to me in the past, but he's just not a caring friend for me. And I was a caring friend, always, for him.

I guess I'll leave it here, there's more to be said about my mother and the summer and such, but another day. Work time.

I'm exhausted. 4 days of being sick with no time for recovery. We lost by 3/4 of a second today to R.I.T. We left at 630 AM and didn't get home till 5. I just need sleep. But every time I lay down I'm back to worrying about the weeks papers, books to read, and oncoming tests. Maine in 5 days though. I cannot fucking wait. My sister is surprising my parents by flying in from Texas for Easter and D and I are driving the 8 hours back home to see them. Mostly, we are going to see Maine again. I miss my parents, but these days I just need to get away from New York, mostly. I wish I felt more sure that this was the right place for me sometimes...

My Saturday:
7:00- wake up, stretch, play loud music, get myself psyched up. Apple with peanut butter.
8:30- 2k erg test with novice and varsity crew. I came in second out of all the varsity (and I'm on novice) I'm fucking stoked.
10:30- Frisbee in park with crew buddy and team
11- Brunch with team and Saga sitting
12:20- Big Love episode recap
2- NAP (I'm so lazy on saturdays)
7- Dinner with someone (not sure yet)
8- Hockey Game
1:30am- D's coming over after a late shift at work, sooooo sleepover.

It's the first good day I've had in a while. It's raining out and I feel incredibly content.

And because I'm feeling so good today/slightly narcissistic I self-indulged and played around with photobooth for a while.

5 midterms or exams left... 0 started studying for, 0 started prepping. So to procrastinate further, here is my good things list:

Georgia = 9 days away

Easter in Maine with D = April 10th

Camping = June 28-July 2nd in Baxter

D's birthday spent somewhere fabulous (we are thinking New Mexico but it will probably end up being Maine or upstate NY) = August 31st

Finding out about summer internship = ???????? WTF why do they take so long?????????????

Sneaking off with D for about 7 hours = tonight

It's been 17 months and we had our first BIG fight this weekend. GAhhhhhhhh.

I am usually pretty good (ok, after P I became pretty good) at seeing both sides of an issue and realizing my faults in it. And I had a tough time with this one seeing my side of it. She went loco on me. But we worked through it. And I believe that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger (i.e., crew. I think. But it might kill me so hold that thought.)

I took on too much this semester, I'm going crazy. But I'll get through it, there's not really an alternative. These next few months are going to be hard. D is gone for five weeks starting late April. I'm gone for crew almost every weekend starting mid March. I don't have my summer shit together yet and I'm worried things with D and I will get stretched a little too thin again. But it's a good test for us. If we can make it through this year and then some...who knows.

I've been avoiding calling my sister. She adds to my stress these days. I've avoided calling Pete. It's just too different and fake now. I've avoided calling my father because he's been blowing me off because he's been incredibly busy with work so I figure he can call when he has time. I'm pretty much avoiding my phone.

I need it to be next year. Oh and I got the RA position. Lovely.

I can't help feeling like I'm wasting my time here. I'm so fortunate to be at this school, I know that. It's a good school, I'll get a good degree and good internships, etc...
But each week is like hell. The classes I was so excited about taking mean so little to me right now. It's a struggle to get through all of them. Crew has been described as a cult, and I see what people mean now. Everyday brings some new torture. I love it. But I hate it.

Weekends I get one day, one night with D. We try and plan vacations, summer plans, but we can't set anything for certain. It's frustrating. I should just go and live with her this summer, but I have obligations back in Maine for most of it. And obligations to my parents.

I can't help thinking of how much richer my life would be if I went off to live somewhere else, traveled, spent as much time as I could with D... but it's not practical and I don't have the money and I need a degree. And I have found that it is almost impossible for me to quit anything, regardless of how detrimental it is to me.

This is where I long to get to...

One day, one night with her. That's all I get for now, once a week. Soon it will be every other week, then it will be a month without seeing her, then back to every other week. It sucks. But try as I might I can't think of an alternative plan.

Waking up next to her is the sweetest feeling in the world. She's shy in the morning, with sleepy eyes and a tiny voice that asks me ever *so* sweetly to make her coffee. Gahhhh. I swear every day would be the best day of my life if I got to spend it with her.

But non. I have to be a big girl and finish school, which means returning to a shitty dorm on sundays and getting brain back into schedule mode. Monday morning brings:
crew
work study
classes
homework
second crew
homework.

and so on throughout the week. By Thursday I feel like crying. I swear every week gets harder. 5 classes is killing me. But I'm doing the best I can. After spring break (no, not relaxing in the arms of my gorgeous gf of a year and a half, but instead in georgia doing triple crew workouts) I'll be gone almost every weekend for regattas and D will be in AK for her academy.

Things with the rents are going pretty well. My mother is being super nice on the phone these days which is strange but I'm going with it. Dads fine. My sister is caught up in fucking bf issues. She needs to dump that loser he is cheating on her and she doesn't realize it. Pete is...still Pete.

Fuck sunday nights.

I hate my sister's boyfriend.

He's treating her so awful... they havent been together all that long, maybe 4-5 months? maybe less? He liked her more at first, we all met him at Christmas, I wasn't a big fan but because of the shit I go through with people not supporting my relationship I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. And the fact that I haven't liked my sister's previous  2 serious boyfriends. I get protective of her, I can't help it.

Anyways, from my stance, this guy is definitely cheating on her. She says he's not, but he is going out with his guy friends every weeknight, not calling or texting her for four to five days at a time, and canceling plans at the last minute with her. Even if he's not cheating, he's still being a prick, leaving her crying on the phone with me, never apologizing to her, never caring when she says she needs him. She said sometimes she feels like he loves her, and sometimes she feels like he thinks she's a stalker for wanting a text from her every day. 

I told her love wasn't like that, that you don't only sometimes love the one you're with. You love them constantly, every day, you want to check in with them, or at least send them a quick text. He's an asshole. He's not worth her time of day, and she is killing herself over him. I want to go over there and beat the shit out of him.

But. I won't because:
1) I'm several hundred miles away
2) he's so big my fist would just bounce off his face
3) I've never punched anyone (but I have been known to threaten her other boyfriend when he was leaving for 6 months.)
4) I know how the process works. I know she has to figure all this out for herself. 

Fucking men. I suppose women can be just as (or more) destructive though. My ex was, fucker. I'm lucky to be with someone who treats me with RESPECT, and loves me UNCONDITIONALLY and who I love just as much, at ALL TIMES, not just when things are going smoothly for us. 

poor girl. What a time for the shit to hit the fan. Fucking Valentine's day fucks couples up, I SWEAR.

so tonight = fabulosity.

This week was INSANE- extra course + ridiculous erg workouts left me more than ready for a weekend. Yesterday we did 3 x 3000 meters on the erg at 5pm, this morning we had to get up at 6... but I'm kicking ass so all is well. Only 1.5 of a split time behind the best varsity, so I'm feeling pretty good.  But the consequences of pushing my body to their absolute physical limit = being tired ALL the time, sore, and grumpy.

But it is ALL DONE for the week, and in 53 minutes the love of my life will be here to sweep me off my feet, kiss me, and make it all better.

Soooo tonight's agenda:

5-6:30- ride back to her place
6:30-8 make dinner (*recipe follows)
8-11- drink wine, eat, and be very very merry, watch some sort of trashy lesbo movie or cheesy comedy
11 +++++++++ - you can guess.

I hate that I can see her only on weekends. But it gives me something to look forward to during the week. Plus the excitement of seeing her again is so new every time. Still, I miss her. I just want to be with her. It was our 16 months yesterday, and even though we stopped counting months, I still do in my head and am very proud of us and everything we go through to keep us together. 3.40 years till Maine.